Dated June 3:2020
All lot is going on on earth right now. For real. Murders and rape and protests etc.
That’s what my friend and I were discussing when my phone pops up with a strange picture.
Strange because it’s on one of the many plab 2 platforms I’m in.
Pictures at this time of the day are not really fun. It’s usually updates.
I check it out and it’s not only strange but depressing.
It contains a message that the examination had been cancelled yet again. For the second time yet again. The cancellation is bad because all my plans for this year are quite tied to this, almost everything about my life is on hold because I need this to get out of the way so I can progress like I want in my career. It was first cancelled in April, which was when I was first supposed to take it, then it was postponed to July and now it has been cancelled for the whole bloody year? Like what am I supposed to do with myself the rest of this year?
By this time, I wasn’t hearing what my friend was saying on the phone as I had zoned out. I interrupt him and break the news to him because we are both supposed to take the exam.
Then we end the call.
Because To each his own grieving system.
As soon as that picture lands, all the other WhatsApp platforms start to buzz. Every one is waking up to the news. And reacting to it.
I don’t know how to react.
My thoughts are on a loop.
So many plans have been tied to this exam.
I’m a planner.
I dare say a good one.
But this is 2020.
It’s not the year for planners. It seems to be more like a year of wake up and just exist.
My hands start to shake.
My heart swells and makes a point of doggedly pumping blood to all the strands of hair on my head.
My neck feels constricted. And my ears are just so so so…. arggh
It feels like a stroke.
I can hear my heart beat everywhere.
I touch my face and try to smile to see if my muscles would move because despite all the feelings, I was also suddenly numb.
In a moment, my nieces come to where I’m lying down and all but climb over me asking “Aunt Biola are you freezing for us”
It is then that I realize that I’m staring blankly and have been unresponsive to their multiple calls.
I smile at them and somehow end up lost in my dazed maze of blank thoughts.
There are almost no words for this.
I get up and check my blood pressure. It’s high. I recheck 3 times before I finally quit.
My systolic went up by 28 millimeters of mercury. My normal Bp leans towards the low side, usually around 108/60 but today I’m nearing 140.
Even my pulse is every where. My heart is suddenly beating 90 times in 60 seconds!
My normal bradycardia heart.
I sit on the floor and just breathe in and out. I’m still hearing my pulse everywhere.
My head feels heavy and soon I go back to lie down. Because no one is supposed to carry the weight of 7 galaxies on their head.
My exams have been cancelled. For the rest of the year!
For the rest of this Rollercoaster year!
And there’s no new date in sight.
How!!!!!!
How do I return to work and justify my prolonged absence?
How do I start the meticulous documentation that visa procurement requires.
How do I start hoarding money that I don’t have and won’t be able to spend in order to prove I’m visa worthy.
How do I start applying for jobs against October when most hospitals are downsizing their staff and salary in light of the pandemic?
And how do I apply for another leave that I’m not qualified for early next year in an hypothetical new Job that I have hypothetically not worked for the minimum 6 months required to qualify for leave in the first place.
How do I even get through now and make it to October of this year.
How do I sit and watch my IELTS validity just waste away.
And then my flight tickets that I had booked? Or is it my academy courses that are now a waste or the mocks that are indefinitely unavailable.
I am not okay:
I don’t feel okay:
This event is not okay:
The world is not okay:
I text precisely 4 of my friends and tell them just that – I am not okay.
I get up. Change my clothing and walk out of the house. I don’t know where I am headed other than that I just want to walk.
Walk to anywhere my legs would take me.
It takes me to a restaurant and I buy more food than I can normally finish in 2 seatings. Not like any one is watching. I buy 2 bottles of wine too and I just keep walking.
I keep walking until I realized that I have stopped walking right in the middle of a street somewhere and a man is staring at me weirdly in the distance!
Apparently I’ve frozen again.
I remind my feet to take me home and when I get there I crash on my bed and stare endlessly at what I purchased.
It takes some time before I remember I’m supposed to stuff myself full with the food. I stare at it long enough to realize I actually don’t have the appetite for it. But eat I do. Eat and drink.
It makes me feel somewhat better.
So comfort food is actually a thing.
Phew.
Then my friends start to call and I narrate everything to them. They all end up speechless. Which is a relief.
Because it makes me know I’m not over reacting or overthinking.
One of my conservative friends even said the “F” word. Something that’s not part of his vocabulary in the one decade since I’ve known him. 2 of my brothers are also speechless so we agree not to inform my mom.
Some year this 2020 is. Some bloody year. Some bloody disconcerting disorganized traumatizing rollercoaster of a year.
A year that got me endlessly chanting “it is well”.
Hearing my close ones respond with the same confusion I feel makes me feel better and I actually start to laugh again. Although I don’t know what’s funny.
Like every other thing, I’d get through this one.
?
RF : It’s today. The last day of this year. The time when every where is flooded by pictures and news of achievements that highlighted the year for various people which probably cause others to feel like they may have underachieved. I realize the reverse is the case for me as I’m inclined to talk about the lows. It’s the cancellations that made this year memorable. Because they were the backdrop through which the things I’m most grateful for shine.
PS: the exam is one of the many exams doctors have to take to stay relevant and progressive career wise and it was later rescheduled and I passed it. We’ll probably talk about that in the coming weeks. Until then, know I wish you a memorable new year in advance.
2021 would be better, hopefully. Happy New Year.
Amen.
It surely is shaping up better than I imagined. Lots and lots of testimonies already
2021, we mueeevvveeeeee!!
Congrats on your exam success, very proud of you ?
Biola’s Baby Bro. Yes !!! thank you so much
Thank God it ended in Praise. Congratulations once more and happy New year in advance….,.just some hours more. See in you next year love
I’ve definitely being seeing you this year Mama.
Admist all the trials that 2020 brought, I’m thankful BOAL was founded this year, thank you for BOAL, and thank God for showing himself as always with the exam!! Happy new year in advance love ❤️
ooh, My love. How am I only just seeing this heart warming comments. Thank you so much
This year has been a bumpy ride. Seatbelts were more or less useless. Too many impromptu event that shocked each and everyone of us.
Its even tough for anyone to drop a prophecy for the coming year. Lol.
It’s at the lowest. It can only get better.
There’s always a way. We’ll find it
I know right. Its just interesting how God continues to show Himself amazing after every rough and bumpy ride
Through it all, I am glad we have a Living God that never leaves His Children. Thank you for being a practical example of God’s faithfulness. Cheers to a prosperous New year.
Thank you Christiana
Congratulations once again and happy new year??
Thank you Bunmi
I think one thing I learnt in 2020 is to intentionally find the blessings in disguise. I realized in the midst of the whole storm 2020 came with, I entered into 2021 a stronger and better person.. Better days ahead dear. Have an amazing year ?
Awwn, thank you for sharing this lesson