NYSC Orientation Camp Day Thirteen : Squats – Ten Plans In Ten Minutes

Tuesday

Today is the day I give my lecture on antibiotic misuse and resistance. It’s one of the things I love doing: Public speaking. ?

I don’t even prepare for it. As soon as the topic is suggested to me, my brain goes to work and calls to mind everything I know. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Dr J will be proud of me. ??

When I get to the parade ground, I stand behind the officials as opposed to the queue where the rest of my platoon is standing. I deliver my lecture and the applause follows. ??????

I’ve made my ancestors proud yet again. I have the option of staying on stage with the officials or going to join my platoon. I pick the latter, unknown to me that I would be regretting it soon enough. ??

The camp official comes up for his speech as he does everyday and much to my surprise he asks us to squat.
It feels like a joke at first.

We all look at him wondering if we heard right and then he repeats himself loud and clear.

We comply. ??

And we drop on our feet. Some try to sit down but the RSM deny them that since they are walking all around us making sure everybody complies. I’m not sure I comprehend what’s going on.??

I look to the stage that I just left and see that the other Corp members there are standing. ??

I’m sad.

I should have stayed on stage with them. What’s all this squatting for? For reals, can someone explain this?

INSUBORDINATION ?

The state coordinator mentions that we are being punished for insubordination. ??Apparently the preceding day, a very ”important guest” was brought to the camp to address the public just before the SAED session and there was a lack of decorum, an abundance of noise and unwillingness of some people to stand up when the anthems were sung. He states this gross misconduct was an embarrassment for him. 

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

By the time he finishes explaining our offense, we have been squatting for five minutes and probably twenty six seconds.

My first thought is can’t we doctors be exempted? Because we were mostly attending to patients, there’s no way we can be guilty of this insubordination.
By we, I’m really thinking about myself because the rest of my colleagues are in the clinic saving the world as heroes that they are.

I mean I was not even planning to come for the drill. It was just my lecture that made me show up. Gosh, this life no balance o. Of all days!!!

He looks behind himself and makes sure that the others on stage join in the squat and I’m happy. ???? Misery loves company.??

MY SECOND THOUGHTS

It occurs to me that my platoon was on duty yesterday and could not have been part of this misconduct so I calmly ask one of the officials if we can be exempted as a whole platoon from the squats.
No, we can’t. ?‍♀️?‍♀️??

At least I tried?‍♀️

THE REST OF MY SCHEMES

When we are seven minutes into the squats, my calf starts to protest. My popliteal vessels feel trapped and there’s this pins and needles sensation in my feet. I mean I have some pretty serious endurance but some pretty serious limits too. ?

I start to shuffle on my feet, rolling my feet from side to side trying to redistribute my weight. Something about “rocker-bottom feet” comes to my mind and I know that under better circumstances, I might have found that thought funny but… these are not better circumstances so I don’t find it funny. ?‍♀️

I roll forwards and backwards and I don’t feel better. Some places start to sweat while others start to freeze.
I “bounce on it” RSM style and still no relief. ??

I’m rethinking all the times that I thought the army (or whatever these forces are) was a beautiful group.

Ten minutes go by and I already have ten different plans on how to feign a faint so I can be carried out of this place.

Is this the part I insert that while editing this, some cheesy lyrics about 7 positions in 70 minutes comes to mind even though I haven’t ever listened fully to the song??

I kid, I kid. ? My brains are a pretty much a mess right now ??.

BACK TO THE MATTER.

I’m looking around surveying those closest to me and they are all slim, probably fifty kilograms at best. ?‍♀️It’s obvious they can’t carry me. ? ?  

I bow my head and try to think of a more feasible plan to escape this torment.

I’m getting dizzy and I think (because I’m not so sure of anything anymore) I’m rolling forward losing my balance.

I stretch out my palms and brace myself against the floor.

I’m begging my head to stay alert so I can think of a genius escape plan.

My head is in a haze, so when I hear a familiar voice say you can get up, I’m not quite sure I’m hearing right.

Maybe I’m hallucinating now.

It’s until I see people attempting to stand up that I believe what I’ve heard.

“Do you promise not to do that again “ boomed the voice into the microphone.

A very weak “yes” was the response. Probably the best we could muster. The question is asked again along with threats to return us to the stooped position.
And we all manage to echo a better sounding yes.

After this, I find my way to the camp clinic and just topple into the bed. In no time I’m sleeping.

I check my phone and realize that we spent a total of eleven minutes squatting.

Damn!

Eleven minutes never felt so long !